***A HOW-TO ON DIFFUSING ANY EMOTIONALLY CHARGED SITUATION***
Here is a CHOICE PERCEPTION that we believe to be potentially relevant to some of you in your own lives. If you ascribe to the belief that we’re all connected, we invite you to allow any interaction between you and another person to organically unfold and witness how the processing of their particular emotion, viewpoint or belief is also yours on some level. When we feel an intense shift in our internal resonance (emotional response) while interacting with another, and we’re contributing this shift to our perceived version of how they’re showing up, we have an opportunity to put on our lenses of compassion and understanding. We can step back to reflect and ask ourselves, “How can I connect and resonate with my compassionate nature here?” When we shift where we are resonating, our shift ripples out and affects how the other person feels they are being received. From here, we may begin to notice an internal sense of relief as their “outburst” lessens. Even when our shift may not be verbal or externally visible, the other person will likely notice our shift on some level. We may notice this reflected in their response as they potentially begin to feel less triggered, more at peace, more heard.
Another piece of this perspective is: If you’re experiencing something, it’s for you (for your awareness/your benefit). If someone is projecting “at” you or “dumping on” you, it’s for you on some level. This is not showing up for you to feel victimized, it is here to provide you with an opportunity for growth.
Let’s explore the following tool, a lens to look through, that may be helpful for you in any of the following circumstances. Become the observer of the situation. From here, we can then begin to understand how to remain unattached to another’s emotions at any given time. When we come to the understanding that everyone is filtering their reality through specific lenses (previous experience of hurt, fear, distrust, conditioned responses, patterned responses, even joy, love, etc.: “You cheated on me! And today, you don’t call when you said you would! How can I trust you?!” or “You bought me flowers. You must love me.”) in each moment, we can then observe the event rather be caught up in the emotional aspect of it/emotional signature of seemingly similar previous events.
If I’m one to point out how “absurd” (labeling) others are being because of how they’re showing up (language, word choice, behavior, thinking, etc.), then, I am perceiving their behavior through limiting lenses of judgment vs. allowing. Instead, the invitation here in the face of someone expressing is to simply allow them to express what they feel is necessary at that time through our new lenses of compassion and perhaps understanding. (We don’t need to understand to listen compassionately, and we may grow into a space of understanding while witnessing). Also, remember they are reacting perfectly proportionate to how they’re feeling because, in that moment, they are connecting the emotion they’re feeling and amplifying the intensity of it by attaching past thoughts and situations that remind them of the same feeling. By choosing to be a witness, we shift the energy, rather than feeding into an emotional charge based off of the past which simply needs room/space to be expressed and released. In this exchange, you may choose to feel honored that this person chose you as a witness to their expression.
Let’s look at an example from this perspective: Mike and Nancy were having a conversation when Mike began to raise his voice, yell and blame Nancy for his fury. They argued for a few minutes, then Nancy paused, stopped fueling the situation from a position of defensiveness and began to listen; just listen and respond. By shifting out of her own emotional response into that of more of an observer role, she migrated away from feeling attacked (victimized) and moved toward a more neutral, objective position (empowered). She listened with curiosity and could see all the hurt and pain to which Mike was connecting. Nancy could hear all the disappointment and frustration and lack of love Mike was feeling and experiencing in that moment. Instead of reacting verbally to him for “taking it all out on her,” (“it’s not fair! you’re mad at so and so and this event, too!”) as Nancy was realizing it wasn’t just about her, she allowed him to express. The more Nancy listened, the more she felt the shift of the focus move away from her. It allowed him to process through and uncover more of the root hurt, which was mainly attributed to past events. Through this shift, Nancy began to feel more connected to herself, her own experience and a sense of empowerment; rather than her victimhood by allowing herself to feel attacked by Mike’s expression.
Awareness allows us to recognize that we are being triggered. This awareness provides us choice to notice that in each moment, we are choosing what we perceive and allow to inform our perception. When we allow ourselves to become “triggered” and remain in that state, we are remaining in and contributing to a victimized state of being. Taking a step back, taking a breath, shifting into the seat of the observer and noticing the emotions being amplified within us, provides us space to reflect on our patterned responses. With this pause and new awareness we can then ask ourselves, “Do I want to show up in the same way or choose a different way?” or “What action is in alignment with how I would like to show up?”
Nancy was able to notice she was identifying with feelings of injustice and interpreting the comments Mike was making as complaints at her as unfair. As she felt this through her awareness and through obtaining a more neutral view, her need to defend herself dropped. By dropping her identification with injustice, a sense of empowerment overcame her. She realized she wasn’t a victim. She was a neutral piece of the puzzle he was trying to place back together. Nancy didn’t want to argue, fight, or defend. She openly witnessed and observed. The more she listened and didn’t fight or run, the more Mike and she unveiled and learned about themselves.
We invite you to let go of the label of any situation being “unjust” or “unfair.” Become curious of your triggers and emotions as they show up when someone can be perceived as expressing in a “socially unacceptable” way. We are taught to apply victimhood and injustice when we appear to experience “socially unacceptable” behavior. Now, you certainly have the free will to feel and view them as a perpetrator if you choose, because all of your emotions/thoughts/beliefs are completely valid and real as well. We would like to invite you to recognize that empowerment is just as available to you when you bring awareness to your patterned or conditioned responses. This doesn’t mean holding yourself to this extreme expectation and placing judgement on yourself when you don’t reach it. This doesn’t mean you “can’t” be triggered; it’s about bringing awareness to the shift inside of you when you’re part of a particular experience full of emotional content. Notice your vibrational shift, bring awareness to it, then choose whether or not you will perpetuate that vibration or change it into one that possesses more expansion and liberation, depending on your capacity in that moment.
Here is ANOTHER CHOICE PERSPECTIVE that you may find relevant, as it looks beyond the concept that our experiences come equipped with a predetermined list of labels and energy. This next view is anchored in the belief that it is our perception and ensuing interpretation of the experience that shapes it. We have the choice to define each moment in the way that we best know how. Our experiences are all neutral information until we assign significance to it. When we’re operating from this belief that all information presented to us in our reality is neutral, we can then CHOOSE to assign ANY value (i.e. good, bad, victimizing, empowering) to it that we desire.
Our internal vibratory resonance is at a specific frequency at any given time. It is from here where we are perceiving our life. For example, if Mike is vibrating at a frequency where he feels threatened, it is then understandable that he is experiencing his circumstances through this lens of vibration, until he chooses to resonate at a different frequency. As soon as he brings awareness to the concept that he is observing his experience through this vibration of “threat,” he can then make a decision to perpetuate that vibration by assigning the appropriate energetic significance to the information: “I am threatened,” or choose to look at it in a way that is empowering to himself: “I have the power to choose a different view.”
To explore a specific resonance that feels good and focus in on that creates an opportunity for us to empower ourselves. If Mike is expressing in a way that Nancy has been conditioned to label as “over-reacting,” and she perceives Mike’s behaviors through that lens, she is then going to feel justified as being a victim of Mike’s expression. Nancy is energizing the situation with her perception and energetic value of what “over-reacting” holds for her. This, in turn, perpetuates her feelings being attacked. As soon as Nancy brings awareness to how she is perceiving her experience, she uncovers more of the infinite possibilities of choice that exist. Nancy now has the opportunity to look at the situation from a perspective PRIOR TO the assignment of value to a particular perceived action/behavior (i.e. “over-reacting”) and empower herself with choice.
From the observer role, it would potentially benefit Nancy to bring awareness to how Mike is resonating at a certain vibration: to know that he is expressing to the best of his capacity at that moment. When Nancy allows Mike the space to express fully without identifying as the source of Mike’s “outburst,” by not labeling it as an attack on her (disempowering/victimhood), she can shift and potentially neutralize the experience. Nancy is now liberated from allowing Mike’s expression to affect her in a disempowering way.
Let’s now explore the level in which you have integrated this information…How does it feel when you read: an “outburst” does not exist until we (the observer) say it does? Remember, as the experience is taking place and the expression of another (which, in it’s purest form, is neutral information) enters your scope of observation, you have a CHOICE in how you will perceive it (“outburst” vs. neutral information) and what energetic value/significance (i.e. “negative,” “positive,” “threatening,” “limiting,” “liberating,”) you attach/assign to it. You have the POWER! We’ll leave you with a TOOL that has the potential to neutralize a situation as it’s occurring.
Here are TWO QUESTIONS TO ASK YOURSELF:
CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE YOUR OWN REALITY & DEFINE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCE!